1 00:00:32,430 --> 00:00:39,430 On a clear day, I look around you and see who 2 00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:41,290 you are. 3 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:48,990 On a clear day, I look around you and 4 00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:54,470 see who you are. On 5 00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:57,030 a clear day, 6 00:00:58,430 --> 00:00:59,930 I look around you. 7 00:01:23,670 --> 00:01:29,850 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 8 00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:31,650 Thank you. 9 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,630 That sucked. Thank you. 10 00:01:35,890 --> 00:01:37,870 Well, I must say you've had a wonderful audience. 11 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:40,990 And I'd like to finish now with a little song. 12 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:47,950 I can always tell if an audience is going to be good or bad. 13 00:01:48,450 --> 00:01:49,450 Good night. 14 00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:13,430 Well, 15 00:02:16,330 --> 00:02:17,330 pull it, pull it. 16 00:02:45,770 --> 00:02:46,770 Rose, I've risen. 17 00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:51,470 I didn't work it at all. 18 00:02:53,310 --> 00:02:54,310 Look, see that glove? 19 00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:56,370 Second hand. 20 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:22,600 I backed a horse today, 20 to 1. 21 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,200 He'd be 20 past 4. 22 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,320 He was so late coming in, he had a tiptoe back to the stable. 23 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,080 And the jockey kept hitting him like that with a whip. 24 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,260 Not like that, like that. 25 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:42,800 Like that. 26 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,000 And the horse said, what are you doing that for? 27 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,320 There's nobody behind us. 28 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,100 I bought a greyhound of it a month ago. 29 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,480 I said, what are you going to do with it? I said, I'm going to erase it. 30 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,440 He said, by the look of it, I think you've beat it. 31 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:15,860 Do you know my feet are killing me? 32 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,300 They are every night when I'm lying in bed. They get me round the throat like 33 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,300 that, trying to sleep. 34 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,180 Doesn't my voice sound a bit hoarse? 35 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,480 It is slightly, isn't it? 36 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:40,060 I lost it completely in there. The one I got now, I borrowed. 37 00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:42,660 For the show tonight. 38 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:46,400 And I went to the doctor. He said to me, open your mouth. So I went like that. 39 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,320 And he looked down, he said, a little raw. 40 00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:50,820 So I went... 41 00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:57,980 So... 42 00:04:57,980 --> 00:04:59,860 I went to this doctor. 43 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,440 Look at that, I'm leaving. 44 00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:07,010 I went to this doctor and I said, it hurts me when I do that. 45 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:08,750 He said, well, don't do it. 46 00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:18,430 I was in Margate last summer for the summer season. 47 00:05:19,450 --> 00:05:21,570 A friend of mine said, you want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism. 48 00:05:22,010 --> 00:05:23,010 So I did and I got it. 49 00:05:30,110 --> 00:05:32,770 And I tried to get to the hotel, it was packed, so I went to this big boarding 50 00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:33,729 house. 51 00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:35,810 and I knocked on the door of the landlady, put her head out the window, 52 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,490 said, what do you want? I said, I want to stay here. She said, well, stay here, 53 00:05:37,530 --> 00:05:38,530 then shut the window. 54 00:05:43,490 --> 00:05:46,930 And while I was there, I bought one of these skin -diving outfits. Let me show 55 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:47,930 you, like a frogman suit. 56 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:54,570 Bought the whole thing, you know, goggles, big flippers, tag on the back, 57 00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:56,210 had a photograph taken like that and like that. 58 00:05:58,250 --> 00:05:59,490 Well, you never know, do you? You never know. 59 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,380 And I went to the bay and I jumped in because you're not supposed to dive and 60 00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,380 it's dangerous. 61 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,220 And I jumped in like that. 62 00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:09,360 And I think I turned a little bit all the way down. 63 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040 And I went down to about 150 feet. 64 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:18,260 It was lovely, very quiet. 65 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:21,380 And I'm going along like that. 66 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,180 I've got my instructions here. 67 00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:38,420 and I start to do that like that. 68 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:44,280 And the feet are going like that. 69 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,880 Not in the front, in the back. 70 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:52,960 And I'm going... And I don't care now, you know what I mean? 71 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:56,640 I'm all over the place. 72 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,280 The goggles are getting all misty and everything. 73 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,260 And I'm humming to myself. 74 00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:11,910 and I saw a man walking towards me. 75 00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:16,410 In a sports jacket, grey flannel. 76 00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:21,110 I thought, that's unusual for a Thursday. 77 00:07:24,130 --> 00:07:30,510 So I went towards him and I got right up to him and I took this pad out and I 78 00:07:30,510 --> 00:07:31,590 wrote, what are you doing down here? 79 00:07:32,810 --> 00:07:34,610 Walking about in a sports jacket, grey flannel. 80 00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:38,250 And he took this pad from me and he wrote on there, I'm drowning. 81 00:07:51,850 --> 00:07:53,870 I was cleaning up the attic last week with the wife. 82 00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:56,730 Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs. 83 00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:58,350 But she's good to the kids. 84 00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:06,550 And I found this old violin. 85 00:08:08,550 --> 00:08:09,710 This old violin. 86 00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:12,590 And this painting, oil painting. 87 00:08:13,590 --> 00:08:16,250 So I took him to an expert. 88 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:20,430 And he said to me, what you've got there, you've got a Stradivarius and a 89 00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:21,430 Rembrandt. 90 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,720 Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a terrible painter. 91 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:39,020 And Redbub made rotten violins. 92 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,720 It's the paper straight down the bottom of the glass. 93 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,760 Sorry, too many problems. 94 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:03,020 Too many problems. 95 00:09:39,390 --> 00:09:40,490 They have now changed places. 96 00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:43,150 We'll strip them apart and let them go back again. 97 00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:48,690 It's quarter to three, and there's no one in the place 98 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,770 except you and me. 99 00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:54,410 So why don't you push off? 100 00:12:45,130 --> 00:12:47,430 Bonasera, Senorita, Bonasera. 101 00:12:47,930 --> 00:12:52,970 Bonasera! It is time to say goodnight to Napoli. Napoli! 102 00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:56,790 And it's hard for us to whisper, Bonasera. 103 00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:01,750 Bonasera! That old moon goes to Mediterranean Sea. 104 00:13:02,330 --> 00:13:05,990 In the morning, Senorita, we'll go walking. 105 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,290 Where the mountains and the sand come in society. 106 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:18,360 I'll buy a wedding ring. 107 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:24,200 But in the meantime, let me tell you that I love you. 108 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,520 Kiss me. 109 00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:44,170 Thank you very much. 110 00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,450 Now I'd like to talk to you about friendship. 111 00:14:48,110 --> 00:14:50,250 I think a friend in need is a pest. Get rid of him. 112 00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:57,850 I mean, really, where would Marx be without Spencer? 113 00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:02,830 Or Freeman without Hardy and Willis? 114 00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:05,730 They would have discovered the South Pole, wouldn't they? 115 00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:10,770 They would have discovered the South Pole, wouldn't they? 116 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:20,600 But you know, I can count the number of friends on one hand. Personal friends. 117 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,020 You can't be so stubborn. 118 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,720 I met one last night and he invited me home to dinner. 119 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,600 hours ago. 120 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,320 Well, he hasn't arrived home yet. 121 00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:52,080 No, we're due to leave for the theatre in ten minutes. 122 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:53,379 Oh, really? 123 00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:54,380 Thank you. 124 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:57,880 At last! 125 00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:58,960 Oh, hello, my love. 126 00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:02,180 What are you all dressed up for? I brought a friend home for dinner. Come 127 00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:03,220 Tommy. 128 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,320 How do you do? 129 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:05,820 You're taking me to the theatre. 130 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,159 I am? 131 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,160 Oh, 132 00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:12,240 I thought that was on Wednesday. 133 00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:13,750 It's Wednesday. 134 00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:15,710 Oh, she's got an answer for everything. 135 00:16:17,330 --> 00:16:20,550 Look, I do want to bash you. I think I'd better go. No, no, no, no, don't go, 136 00:16:20,670 --> 00:16:21,609 don't go. 137 00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:22,610 I'm not really hungry. 138 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:23,990 I had a peanut in the pub. 139 00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:28,430 No, no, don't go. We're about to have a dreadful row because I brought you home. 140 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,530 That's what I thought. For dinner. 141 00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,770 I'm not cooking for your drunken friends. 142 00:16:34,130 --> 00:16:35,510 She's not cooking for your drunken friends. 143 00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:38,930 Don't let her frighten you. She can smell fear. 144 00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:41,350 Yeah, I'd better go. No, no, no, don't go. 145 00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:44,490 I've got to go home. I've got to dig the gong. 146 00:16:44,690 --> 00:16:45,710 But it's dark outside. 147 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,130 I've got to loom the spade. 148 00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:53,530 Sit down, have a seat. 149 00:16:53,850 --> 00:16:55,170 And have a little drink. 150 00:16:56,270 --> 00:16:57,330 Before dinner. 151 00:16:57,990 --> 00:17:00,970 What about the theatre? I've been looking forward to it for months. 152 00:17:02,370 --> 00:17:03,370 What a lovely room. 153 00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:05,270 Don't you try and ingratiate yourself with me. 154 00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:06,950 No, you're right. It's a horrible room. 155 00:17:13,130 --> 00:17:15,650 It is locked, my precious. And it's pain -locked. 156 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,290 I don't need a drink, thanks. Thank you very much. 157 00:17:18,490 --> 00:17:19,490 I'll get you a drink. 158 00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:20,630 The sherry. 159 00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:22,530 I'm sorry about that. I met him in the pub. 160 00:17:22,849 --> 00:17:24,609 Well, I stepped on his hands as he was leaving. 161 00:17:26,089 --> 00:17:29,750 Now, don't blame you. It's not your fault he brings home his ghastly, boring 162 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:30,750 friends. 163 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,050 You're very kind. 164 00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:37,130 I cloned it. There you are. Get that down here. 165 00:17:37,830 --> 00:17:40,950 Aren't you going to have one? Oh, no, I can't stand cheap opportunity cooking 166 00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:41,950 sherry. No? 167 00:17:56,410 --> 00:18:02,510 What about the theatre? 168 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:09,450 When you... And you have provided my good friend with... Sit down. Sit down. 169 00:18:09,650 --> 00:18:10,650 Whose child is it? 170 00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:15,270 When you have provided my good friend with dinner, then and only then will I 171 00:18:15,270 --> 00:18:16,530 discuss the matter. 172 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:21,470 Right. Look, I must go. I'm not hungry. I just swallowed a goldfish. 173 00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:23,110 Delicious. 174 00:18:24,010 --> 00:18:26,990 Stay there. I know what you're thinking. You think you're in the way here, don't 175 00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:28,890 you? Well, the thought did flip through my mind. 176 00:18:29,970 --> 00:18:33,410 It's a matter of principle, you see, Tommy. I mean, you can't say I am being 177 00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:38,850 inconsiderately arbitrarily obstreperous. You couldn't say that, 178 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,420 No, I couldn't say that. 179 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:45,500 I'd better go. 180 00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:47,900 I've got to get up early in the morning and bite the postman. 181 00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,000 Bite the postman? 182 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,420 Yeah, but the dog's not well, you see. 183 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:58,580 Oh, no, you don't. He wants you to have dinner, and dinner you shall have. 184 00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:07,660 Just know I like it. Stone cold. 185 00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:10,770 It's vegetables. 186 00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:17,670 Virgin peas. 187 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:18,950 Oh, delicious. 188 00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:21,390 They're not hard. 189 00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:24,190 Oh, it doesn't matter. I'll suck one. 190 00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:27,130 Oh, lovely. 191 00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:29,550 Yum, yum, yum. 192 00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:32,590 Pea lolly. 193 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,100 You think he won't eat that and you'll have won a moral victory. Well, you're 194 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,140 wrong. Because he's going to eat every little... 195 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:07,340 Just a minute. I... 196 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,200 I don't... I don't... I can't eat that. 197 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,239 Why not? 198 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,580 She gave me a fish knife. 199 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,140 Doesn't bother us, does it, honey? 200 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,160 No? No. 201 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:24,040 We're going to eat every little bit, aren't you? 202 00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:26,320 And when you've finished, she'll look sick. 203 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:27,700 Really sick. 204 00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:35,820 It's quite tasty. 205 00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:37,540 Good man. 206 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,780 I could eat another mouthful, honestly. 207 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,200 A dessert? 208 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,320 Cold tapioca pudding. 209 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,420 You haven't got any cheese, have you? 210 00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:52,060 I'd rather have cheese. 211 00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:01,330 the mask and spare it. 212 00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:03,570 Oh! 213 00:21:05,290 --> 00:21:07,650 Now you have gone too far. 214 00:21:08,330 --> 00:21:12,030 See this clock, Tommy? Her mother gave it to us. 215 00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:14,130 You brute. 216 00:21:16,050 --> 00:21:17,610 Look at the time. I've got to really go. 217 00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:24,610 Don't you touch that painting! 218 00:21:24,830 --> 00:21:28,090 You can play at this, you know. Okay, right. I've really got to go. 219 00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:35,540 You must do it again sometime. 220 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,380 That's no way to behave, is it? Come here. Come closer. 221 00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:56,500 You're going to marry him for better or for worse. 222 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,480 Right? 223 00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,720 You're going to give and take. 224 00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:02,540 Milk of human kindness. 225 00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:05,110 Understanding, sympathy. 226 00:22:07,330 --> 00:22:09,610 And that old -fashioned word, love. 227 00:22:10,610 --> 00:22:17,090 Picture a man and woman, hand in hand, walking up the rocky path of love. 228 00:22:20,770 --> 00:22:22,730 Sharing and caring for each other. 229 00:22:24,150 --> 00:22:28,390 And the candle, the lit candle, that grabs the... 230 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:34,960 That lights up this drag world. 231 00:22:35,740 --> 00:22:36,940 That's how it should be. 232 00:22:48,740 --> 00:22:50,480 He is right, you know. 233 00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:52,460 Yes, darling. 234 00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:53,900 That's better. 235 00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:56,840 I'm starving. Can I stay for supper? 236 00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:09,660 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you now to one of my favorite 237 00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:12,220 singers. It's Dusty... 238 00:23:12,220 --> 00:23:17,580 It's Anita Harris. 239 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,120 What 240 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:28,240 are 241 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,060 you doing? 242 00:23:40,110 --> 00:23:46,970 west of your life I have only one request 243 00:23:46,970 --> 00:23:52,270 of your life that you spend 244 00:24:25,450 --> 00:24:26,450 begin in a 245 00:26:36,430 --> 00:26:40,970 I don't know about you, but I've received a lot of letters from people to 246 00:26:40,970 --> 00:26:41,970 what they think of the show. 247 00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:49,070 I had one from our barber, who saw the last show, I did, and he said, I dare 248 00:26:49,070 --> 00:26:50,070 to come in for a shave. 249 00:26:53,650 --> 00:26:55,990 And I received a letter from Bill Bailey, and he's not coming home. 250 00:26:59,770 --> 00:27:03,050 I got a letter the other morning, it was a brown envelope with OHMS on it. 251 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,420 So, well, I didn't know anyone called OMS. 252 00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,080 So I steamed it open. 253 00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:14,900 My teeth itch. 254 00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:20,860 And I steamed it open. 255 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,080 I steamed it open twice. 256 00:27:23,940 --> 00:27:25,800 And it was from my tax inspector. 257 00:27:26,180 --> 00:27:30,460 One of those clean, hard -working, upstanding swines that take all the 258 00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:31,460 from you. 259 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:32,940 And he wanted to see me. 260 00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:34,820 So I went to see him. 261 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,000 Send in Mr Cooper, please. 262 00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:51,020 Good morning. 263 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,600 All those traffic waters are dreadful. 264 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,040 I've just been towed away. 265 00:27:55,420 --> 00:27:57,000 And a funny thing, I didn't have the car with me. 266 00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:02,620 You're a comedian, aren't you, Mr Cooper? 267 00:28:02,860 --> 00:28:03,860 Yes, I guess. 268 00:28:04,940 --> 00:28:07,640 It's down on your income tax form, otherwise I wouldn't have. 269 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,940 All right, all right. 270 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:26,300 Now then, Marmaduke Marmalade... Yes, pardon? 271 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,240 Marmaduke Marmalade is down on this form as being resident at your address. 272 00:28:31,070 --> 00:28:35,410 Yes. We're hoping you can help us, because he hasn't paid any income tax in 273 00:28:35,410 --> 00:28:36,410 years. Oh. 274 00:28:36,450 --> 00:28:37,450 Oh. 275 00:28:38,710 --> 00:28:40,350 Oh. Oh. 276 00:28:40,850 --> 00:28:41,850 Oh. Oh. 277 00:28:42,270 --> 00:28:43,370 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. 278 00:28:44,290 --> 00:28:45,290 Oh. 279 00:28:47,850 --> 00:28:54,330 Say hello to the gentleman. Hello, hello, hello. 280 00:28:57,210 --> 00:28:58,870 Um, I can take it. 281 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:00,380 That this is Mr. 282 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,280 Marmonet... Sir, will you just... I thought you'd get me on with your back. 283 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:04,280 up. 284 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:07,780 Is this Mr. Marmonet? 285 00:29:07,980 --> 00:29:08,980 Yes. 286 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,180 Mr. Cooper, he's... he's wooden. 287 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,180 That's why you wouldn't pay his tax. 288 00:29:18,540 --> 00:29:19,960 I do magic tricks as well. 289 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,319 Yes, yes. 290 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:24,260 But, but, but, but... How did he get into our files? 291 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:31,400 Ah, well... Look, look... Funny I do that, see, because... It's what you call 292 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,120 really trying to get all glue, you see. 293 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:37,240 And quite... We're going to do all the talking. 294 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,620 I think it might be a little easier if you spoke for him. 295 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,340 Well, I was doing it, didn't I? 296 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:54,380 The fact is... Would you please 297 00:29:54,380 --> 00:29:56,300 be careful? This is government property. 298 00:29:57,420 --> 00:30:02,720 The fact is that Mr Marmalade... Call him Marmaduke. He likes that. 299 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:07,880 Mr Marmaduke has been processed through our computer as a human being. 300 00:30:08,620 --> 00:30:10,020 Help Mr Bessie. Go on. 301 00:30:10,220 --> 00:30:16,560 And as far as the computer is concerned, has evaded tax... Has evaded tax for 302 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:17,419 ten years. 303 00:30:17,420 --> 00:30:19,440 A serious offence. He could be locked up. 304 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:21,700 Oh, he doesn't mind that. He spends most of his time locked up. 305 00:30:21,900 --> 00:30:25,280 A silly mistake has been made and the common sense thing to do is to forget 306 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:26,280 about it. 307 00:30:27,210 --> 00:30:31,390 But this is a government office and common sense doesn't come into it. 308 00:30:32,290 --> 00:30:38,770 The formalities must be completed. 309 00:30:38,990 --> 00:30:40,410 Now, take this form. 310 00:30:42,770 --> 00:30:43,770 There we are. 311 00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:45,810 Now, read it carefully. 312 00:30:46,810 --> 00:30:48,750 Read it carefully and fill it in. 313 00:30:49,070 --> 00:30:50,070 You can't read. 314 00:30:51,190 --> 00:30:52,550 You've gone upside down, you idiot. 315 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:56,960 You can fill it in for him. 316 00:30:57,380 --> 00:30:58,880 How can I? I've got my hand up his back, haven't I? 317 00:30:59,620 --> 00:31:02,520 Give it to me. 318 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:10,800 Now then, will you please answer... Will you please answer the following 319 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:11,800 question? Yes. 320 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,300 And to make it more difficult, I shall drink a glass of water at the same time. 321 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:20,960 Would you hand me the water? 322 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:22,700 Now then, fool... Hand me the water. 323 00:31:42,090 --> 00:31:43,090 I don't understand a word. 324 00:31:44,190 --> 00:31:47,630 Well, I just... I just spent my drink in a glass of water. It's not easy, is it? 325 00:31:49,130 --> 00:31:50,130 Marmalade. 326 00:31:50,350 --> 00:31:51,350 Marmalade. 327 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,410 Now, Texas. 328 00:31:54,170 --> 00:31:55,170 Male, I suppose. 329 00:31:55,910 --> 00:31:58,050 Well, he was a little bit dedicated, really. 330 00:31:58,430 --> 00:31:59,430 Well, he was. 331 00:32:01,250 --> 00:32:02,530 Until the woodworm got at him. 332 00:32:05,990 --> 00:32:07,970 Well, I suppose I'd better leave it open. 333 00:32:08,230 --> 00:32:09,230 Oh, I won't do that. 334 00:32:11,150 --> 00:32:12,290 That's why the woman got in. 335 00:32:14,370 --> 00:32:15,370 Fuck me! 336 00:32:17,970 --> 00:32:19,950 Ah, next question. 337 00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:21,690 Any children? 338 00:32:22,070 --> 00:32:23,070 Three. 339 00:32:23,190 --> 00:32:24,190 Three children? 340 00:32:24,510 --> 00:32:25,509 Yes, I have. 341 00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:27,110 No, no, no, not you, him. 342 00:32:27,890 --> 00:32:29,510 Don't you discuss it, he's only 12. 343 00:32:30,730 --> 00:32:33,230 Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise this. 344 00:32:41,860 --> 00:32:44,780 Next of kin is the oak tree at the bottom of the garden. 345 00:32:49,420 --> 00:32:51,660 He's not a close family, but he comes from a branch of it. 346 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:54,280 Thank you. 347 00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:57,340 Put that denim of tea down. 348 00:32:58,680 --> 00:32:59,680 It's a secret, I know. 349 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:05,060 Do you mind? That was my tea. I haven't finished it. I'm sorry. He thought it 350 00:33:05,060 --> 00:33:06,060 was tea oil. 351 00:33:07,060 --> 00:33:09,200 Now, one last formality. Could... 352 00:33:09,630 --> 00:33:11,250 Mr Marmalade signed the form? 353 00:33:11,450 --> 00:33:12,450 Of course. 354 00:33:13,730 --> 00:33:15,590 Could I borrow a pen, please? 355 00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:19,330 Could you borrow a pen? 356 00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:20,690 A pen? A pen, yes. 357 00:33:23,850 --> 00:33:24,850 It's a terrible speller. 358 00:33:25,430 --> 00:33:26,710 It was his greatest downfall. 359 00:33:27,570 --> 00:33:29,830 He went to school. His mother wanted him to be a school desk. 360 00:33:32,970 --> 00:33:34,950 But he didn't lay legs for it. 361 00:33:36,910 --> 00:33:39,270 I don't think I need to lay you any further. 362 00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:40,760 Mr. Gabbard. 363 00:33:41,140 --> 00:33:42,420 Do you mind? 364 00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:44,020 You naughty boy! 365 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,160 Take your man's pain into the case you go! 366 00:33:46,380 --> 00:33:47,440 Load up the case! 367 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:08,080 Armaduke doesn't have to pay tax. 368 00:34:08,260 --> 00:34:10,080 Of course he doesn't. Good eye. 369 00:34:10,340 --> 00:34:11,340 Good eye. 370 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,500 Oh, look at that. Ten years. 371 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,160 Ten years. 372 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:27,240 Slaving over a hot pen. 373 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:29,320 Ten years. 374 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:31,680 Oh, very good, brother. 375 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:37,040 Ah, but the I before the E, except after C. 376 00:37:02,190 --> 00:37:04,610 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to do something that was a little bit 377 00:37:04,610 --> 00:37:05,610 dramatic. 378 00:37:06,950 --> 00:37:09,630 In which I do a one -man play with two parts of it. 379 00:37:11,410 --> 00:37:14,530 And I'll show you both simultaneously on positive at the same time. 380 00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:20,470 Now, I want you to imagine the scene. 381 00:37:21,210 --> 00:37:25,290 It's a prisoner of war camp outside a village called Cisselslush. 382 00:37:26,130 --> 00:37:27,130 Cisselslush. 383 00:37:27,910 --> 00:37:29,130 Cisselslush. Slush, slush, slush. 384 00:37:29,810 --> 00:37:30,810 Berlin. 385 00:37:33,420 --> 00:37:36,600 And the time is 1940, or 20 to 8. 386 00:37:42,060 --> 00:37:46,540 And the leader of the escape committee is Brigadier von der Gussmann. 387 00:38:06,030 --> 00:38:10,290 he's been sent for by that brutal cop cabinet, Fritz von Schweiner. 388 00:38:21,130 --> 00:38:25,970 So, Brigadier, you're wondering if I sent for you? 389 00:38:38,050 --> 00:38:40,410 370 prisoners escaped from the camp. 390 00:38:40,990 --> 00:38:43,010 How does you account for this? 391 00:38:44,150 --> 00:38:45,390 You left the front gate open. 392 00:38:52,010 --> 00:38:53,170 Lies, old lies! 393 00:38:58,570 --> 00:39:01,890 They smuggled themselves out in the laundry baskets. 394 00:39:03,190 --> 00:39:04,370 How do you file that out? 395 00:39:04,670 --> 00:39:06,290 You'll never see them again, I'll tell you that. 396 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:07,680 I know that laundry. 397 00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:14,440 Here is the list. 398 00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:20,580 Two vests, four shirts, and 370 frizzles. 399 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:29,200 And when they are caught, they will be shot. 400 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:31,320 Oh, no, they won't. 401 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,080 Yes, they will. 402 00:39:33,620 --> 00:39:35,660 Oh, no, they won't. Yes, they will. 403 00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:41,890 Everyone will be shot one by one because... 404 00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:19,590 One half of me digs an escape tunnel, and the other half's chasing me up it. 405 00:40:21,390 --> 00:40:23,650 And the third half rescues me from myself. 406 00:40:25,250 --> 00:40:27,330 And while you're working it out, it's design. 407 00:41:09,879 --> 00:41:12,100 We'll see you next time. 408 00:43:21,100 --> 00:43:22,840 Do you like food? I do. I eat nothing else. 409 00:43:28,520 --> 00:43:30,480 I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. 410 00:43:30,700 --> 00:43:31,479 Surprised everybody. 411 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:32,480 It was a Chinese restaurant. 412 00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,660 And I said to this Chinese waiter, I said, this chicken is cold. 413 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:38,540 He said, well, it should be. It's been dead two weeks. 414 00:43:41,620 --> 00:43:43,660 I said, not only that. I said it twice. 415 00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:46,560 I said, you've got one leg shorter than the other. 416 00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:48,480 He said, what do you want to do? Eat it or dance with it? 417 00:43:54,510 --> 00:43:55,510 forget the chicken. 418 00:43:56,710 --> 00:43:57,730 He said, give me a lobster. 419 00:43:58,370 --> 00:44:00,430 I looked at him, I said, just a minute, he's only got one claw. 420 00:44:01,370 --> 00:44:02,370 He's been in a fight. 421 00:44:03,830 --> 00:44:04,830 I said, well, give me the winner. 422 00:44:08,910 --> 00:44:12,430 Either this Chinese restaurant or he's got a Scottish chef and he has one of 423 00:44:12,430 --> 00:44:13,450 sweet and sour haggis. 424 00:44:16,130 --> 00:44:17,430 What I don't like is the chopsticks. 425 00:44:18,010 --> 00:44:19,050 I mean, you eat one. 426 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:24,360 Two hours later, you feel like another one. 427 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:30,700 But what makes a meal for me is the friendly, kind, and efficient waiter. 428 00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:32,280 Come with me. 429 00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:36,580 On second thought, it's this way. 430 00:44:39,220 --> 00:44:40,220 Ah, child. 431 00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:45,040 Yes, I think we'll have the... Fish 432 00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,840 and chips twice. 433 00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:54,360 Which one do you like, sir? 434 00:44:54,860 --> 00:44:59,100 Oh, I think I'll... Yes, I'll have that one. Sure, sir. 435 00:45:00,940 --> 00:45:01,940 What, that one? 436 00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,980 Yes. Not Fred. 437 00:45:06,700 --> 00:45:09,860 Fred? He's been here for years since we opened, kind of Fred. 438 00:45:10,980 --> 00:45:12,280 He's my little fishy friend. 439 00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:15,680 Don't be ridiculous, man. He's here to be eaten. 440 00:45:16,140 --> 00:45:17,140 Shh, he heard that. 441 00:45:18,100 --> 00:45:19,340 I know all his moods. 442 00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:21,760 Look at him swooping about there. 443 00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:23,240 Oh, that was slow. 444 00:45:23,540 --> 00:45:24,780 I thought he was a trout. 445 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:26,620 Oh, it's jokes now, is it? 446 00:45:29,500 --> 00:45:30,500 I'm feeling brute. 447 00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:32,780 Look in there. 448 00:45:32,820 --> 00:45:34,460 Fred. Come on, Fred. 449 00:45:35,380 --> 00:45:37,060 Choo -choo, choo -choo, choo -choo, choo -choo. 450 00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:38,900 Choo -choo, choo -choo. 451 00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:40,880 You're not having it. 452 00:45:42,140 --> 00:45:43,460 I want the menagerie. 453 00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:44,920 Oh, that's different. 454 00:45:53,149 --> 00:45:56,910 If you don't get me that truck, I can personally see to it that you're fired. 455 00:45:57,310 --> 00:45:59,930 Oh, well, it was him who made us different. You should have told me that 456 00:45:59,930 --> 00:46:00,930 first place. 457 00:46:02,030 --> 00:46:03,030 Fred! 458 00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,790 Come on, Fred. Look what I've got for you, Fred. 459 00:46:10,010 --> 00:46:11,030 Come for a walkie, Fred. 460 00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:01,840 Thank you, Fred. 461 00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:03,080 How about egg on toast? 462 00:49:01,900 --> 00:49:04,100 Oh, and tartar sauce. 463 00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:08,740 It is like tartar sauce. 464 00:49:42,740 --> 00:49:44,120 I'll take him to the chef. 465 00:49:44,820 --> 00:49:46,560 I think I'd rather have the steak. 466 00:49:47,100 --> 00:49:51,320 Oh, there's a poor... Yes, do you know, I think we'll both have the steak 467 00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,420 instead. Steak? 468 00:49:52,720 --> 00:49:53,720 And not trout? 469 00:50:31,720 --> 00:50:32,740 I must say, you've had a wonderful audience. 470 00:50:34,060 --> 00:50:35,720 Come the same time tomorrow and you miss the show. 471 00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:40,820 I went horse riding the other day. 472 00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:44,280 This cowboy hat reminded me. 473 00:50:45,060 --> 00:50:47,800 You know when you go riding, you go with the horse like that. You're supposed to 474 00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:48,860 go up and down like that, aren't you? 475 00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:50,740 Up and down. 476 00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:52,600 Up and down. 477 00:50:53,340 --> 00:50:55,140 I went up, and when I came down, the horse had gone.